I do it! I do it!

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalm 34: 4-5 NLT
"I do it! I do it!" That is what my daughter Anika used to say to me when she was two years old. Anika had new found independence and she was going to exercise it.  It didn't matter if she got it right, it didn't matter if whatever she was doing took forever, she was determined to do it herself.
As I sit here and write this I realize that she comes by her independence honestly.  I am just like her in my relationship with God at times.  I find that I am constantly saying to God, "I do it!"  I seem to forget that He is God, that He has a birds eye view of my entire life, and maybe just maybe He knows better!
In my prayers as of late I had begun to notice a trend. Instead of asking God to intervene or take care of me, I had been asking God to help me fix the situation(s).  The classic "help me help you".  Why would I do that?  It is the same as Anika asking me to get her a stool to reach something above her, instead of simply asking me to get it for her.

And then I went to church....
The sermon was on Mary and Joseph - as is expected during this time of year.  What I didn't anticipate was the conclusion that I came to regarding Mary and Joseph.  They were ordinary people.  They weren't part of the Jewish nobility, they were average people like me.  God used ordinary people to be His vessel in accomplishing the extraordinary.  How just like God.
Throughout the bible, God has used people you wouldn't expect to accomplish amazing things.
I've been getting frustrated because God didn't do what I asked and let me provide for my family.  Instead, God chose to step into my life in a tangible way and in the process bless me and provide for me on a scale far greater than I even imagined.

I realized that I have a very limited view of God.  I assume that He must want me to fix whatever happens in my life.  I missed it all together.  God doesn't want me to be independent of him.  He wants me to come to Him for everything and in doing so realize that He is God and will answer in his time and in his way.  Sometimes His way may be to give me the tools to work within a situation and sometimes his way is to handle it for me altogether.  The goal then for me is to recognize God's authority in my life and stop saying, "I do it!"

This is where it's at for me...

Today is not a great day for me.  Today I don't have a whole lot of insight nor have I had any great revelations...I'm just here.

I'm sad to say that I am losing my faith in humanity.  I don't take people at their word any more.  I was at small group recently and someone said something that really resonated with me.  Let me share.... so the small group was discussing why people aren't really vulnerable with each other anymore.  The answer from one person was so candid and they said, "Well, when we ask someone how they are doing, do we really care how they are?  Do we really want to know what's going on in their lives?"  The answer I've found is a resounding "NO!"  People are messy and the unfortunate thing is nobody really wants to deal with messy.

Our life is messy.  We have custody battle that we are fighting.  We live in a place that isn't exactly where we want to be.  As a result of some life circumstances, some of our doing and some not, our life is messy.  The sad reality is, though we want to find authentic relationships without judgments those relationships are few and far between.  The people that have walked similar roads and have endured hardships are more likely to befriend and walk beside us than those whose lives have been untouched.

So now what?  What do I do?  I'll tell you what I want to do.  I want to turn my back on everyone.  After all the only person that I know is in my corner is my husband, right?  Wrong!  God is in my corner too.  While I would LOVE to walk away from a couple relationships right now, I can't.  I'm not perfect but if I walk away then I'm no better than those who have hurt me.  I choose to be real, to be authentic and to live my life as a  Christ follower in a practical way.  I choose to keep my word.  I choose to apologize quickly and forgive even faster.  Easy?  Not hardly!  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to, I'm choosing to.

To those whose lives have been untouched, kneel down and thank God.  Praise Him that His grace has kept your life event free.  On that day when life happens, and I promise it will happen, know that His grace will be there too.  It is my hope that you will be spared the betrayals that myself and a few close to me have had to walk through.  Between now and then...be kind.

I am God's beloved....

"God, my God, I cry out, your beloved needs you now..." from the song I will lift my eyes by Bebo Norman.

I am a manager.  I manage everything from the big details to the minutia.  I put one foot in front of the other everyday.  I pride myself on being able to handle everything.... until now.

The last 18 months have been nothing if not a roller coaster ride.  In the midst of that ride I found myself redefining my relationship with God.  I had a relationship with God, but not an intimate one.  This year I have had  to develop a whole new dependence on Him, the daily kind of dependence sometimes the moment by moment kind of dependence.  I thought my relationship with God was secure, everything was fine and then I got betrayed by a really close friend of mine and the bottom fell out.... let me back up a little bit.

Even in the midst of some of the hardest situations that I have faced I have felt that God loved me.  I have been able to wrap my mind around the circumstances and events that I have walked through.  I've even been accepting of them because on some level I blamed myself for where I was at.  When something hit me that I couldn't explain well that rocked me in a way that I didn't think was possible.  I've heard it said that when the vessel is breached, what is inside the vessel comes out.  Even I was surprised at what came out when this vessel was breached.  What came out was me screaming that I hated God.

How do you come back from that?  It takes time. It also takes knowing the difference between feelings and faith.  My faith isn't based on my feelings it is based on my knowledge of WHO God is.  Let me tell you, in the days following my outburst I didn't think I had a relationship with God anymore.  The foundation of who I am was shaken.  I have been a Christian in some form or another (more on that on a different day..) all my life and if God took me at my word then our relationship was over.  If our relationship was over then what?  Fortunately for me my relationship with my Father isn't based on my word but His.  My feelings are fickle and He is not.

This past Sunday I went to church still feeling shaky and the song I referenced at the beginning was sung and I realized that I am His beloved.  Nothing can snatch me from His hand.  In the days and weeks to follow trouble may come but I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains to maker of the mountains I can't climb."

"Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will protect me from the anger of my enemies.  You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me.  The Lord will work out his plans for my life - for your faithful love O Lord endures forever." Psalm 138:7-8a NLT

Learning to be still

I am not a person that sits still very well. I am an early riser as soon as the sun is poking in through my blinds I am up (much to the chagrin of my husband). During this time, I find my self in a quiet place. I am learning a whole new dependency on God. I thought I depended on God before, but I didn't. Not like this anyway.

Depending on God is not something new to my life, it's just that it isn't something that I do very well. What I mean is that I try to "help" God a lot. I have spiritual attention deficit at times. I am a doer, so when God calls me to sit still, I struggle. I struggle a lot.

Right in this moment I am physically restricted. I am not able to do all the things that I normally do. I am not able to go to school, I am not able to go to work, I am not able to exercise. My level of activity has significantly diminished. The sad thing is that up until three days ago I have fought this "being still" with everything in me. I have been angry at God, angry at my body and even angry at my husband. This isn't fair is what I have been saying over and over. I am SO glad that I have a patient Father God. One who is willing to let me throw my tantrum and then still love me any way.

So, what am I doing now since I'm not throwing my temper tantrum? I am learning to be still. What does that look like? It looks like me spending time with my Father. It means I am digging deeper into His Word and leaning on Him. It means that my faith is growing. Not my faith in the outcome but my faith in him. I know that His thoughts towards me are good. While I don't know how it is all going to work out I am learning that faith isn't about knowing it's about trusting. Today, right now, I am trusting in my Father. He in his gracious mercy and love has given me peace for today.

It's been a long time

Wow it has been 3 months since I've sat down and wrote anything. A LOT has gone on in the last 3 months so here goes with catching up.

The last post I wrote was in December. The month passed and it was pretty good. We had a great Christmas and physically I was feeling alright. In January I decided to return to TTU and continue on with my education. The semester started out really well. I was glad to be back on campus and I was feeling pretty good. Daniel left on the 25th on January to complete his Paramedic training in Bloomington, IN.

Now is when the excitement starts. My mom flew in to be with me as the ex-husband and I went to court again. One week after court on Monday, February 23rd at around 7:30p.m. I suffered a minor heart attack in the inferior wall of my heart. The cool thing about where my heart attack happened is that I didn't die! :-) Daniel was scheduled to take his national board registry exam the next day. So we made a decision that since my mom was with me, he would stay take his exam and then come home.

After a 6 day hospital stay I was released on bed rest. My mom & Daniel helped me recover. Then on Friday, March 6th while leaving evening services at our church my entire left side went numb. I had complete weakness. When I tried to get up and walk my legs went out from underneath me. I taken by ambulance to PRMC. While en-route my oxygen stats dropped to 74% on 15 litres of oxygen, that is medical speak for I wasn't doing well at all. Within 2 hours I was airlifted to Lubbock Heart Hospital, where I remained inpatient for a week.

So, where does that leave me now? Well, I am on continuous heart monitoring and what we know is that I have an electrical issue that is causing my heart to go into dysrythmia and all the events that follow.

As a result of this, my driving is limited. That means that I can't go to school for the remainder of this semester. Being on restricted activity means that I am supposed to bring my blood pressure down, stay stress free, and follow the doctor's orders. No easy task. All of this means that until they find the cause of my heart issues I have to be really careful.

I have no idea what God's plan in all this is. I have no clue why my body is betraying me in this way. All I know is that I am going to take this one step at a time and choose to believe that God is good.